The Greatest Gift

We live in an age when there are a lot of misconceptions about love. Some people seem to think that love is primarily about emotion, about warm feelings toward another person. And it’s no wonder that they think that, when so many contemporary novels, songs, movies, and TV shows tend to portray love in this way. In contrast to these popular depictions of love, Hans Urs von Balthasar, the brilliant Roman Catholic theologian from Switzerland, offers us a far more demanding (but also far more fulfilling) definition of love: Love is the selfless gift of self, given and received.

The gift of self: if you’re married, that’s what your spouse wants from you: your spouse wants you; your self; your heart. Ideally, your spouse reciprocates your gift of self with his or her own gift of self to you. If that’s not where your relationship is at right now, make a change. No, don’t change spouses. Change the way you’re treating your spouse, and watch how those changes can improve and strengthen your marriage. Make a genuine effort to be more giving, more generous, more sacrificial, for your spouse’s sake. Hopefully, sooner or later (hang in there if it takes a while), they’ll notice the change in you, and they’ll become more willing to reciprocate with their own sacrificial gift of self. Be the change you want to see in your marriage instead of just wishing for a better relationship, and you can help bring about that change.

The gift of self: if you have children, that’s what your children want from you, too: you; your self; your heart. Of course, your children want and need many other things from you: food, clothing, shelter, education, etc. But what your children most need from you is…you. That’s why it’s so important that you spend as much time as possible with your kids while they’re growing up. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: you never get the years of their childhood back, so make the most of them while you can. Your kids need as much of your time and attention as you can give them. They want to get to know you (at least until they’re teenagers, when they may think they have you all figured out already anyway), and they want you to get to know them. When your young child excitedly asks you to look at the picture he or she just drew, they’re not just looking to share a picture; they’re trying to share themselves – their talents, their interests, etc. They’re not looking for just a nod and a perfunctory “That’s nice”. Yes, they’re looking for your affirmation and your approval, but they’re also looking to connect with you. They want you to take a genuine interest in their work, and thereby, an interest in them. Put the cell phone down and really look at the drawing (and at your child!). Give them the chance to talk about what they drew, why they drew it, etc., because that gives them the chance to tell you about themselves, to share themselves with you. It’s one of the ways they’re trying to tell you they love you. By giving them your undivided attention and by taking a real interest in the picture they’re trying to share with you, you’re not only opening yourself up to receive the gift of self your child is offering you; you’re also giving them the gift of your own self in return.

The gift of self: if you’re a human being, that’s what God wants from you. God wants you; your self; your heart. And God doesn’t ask for anything that he hasn’t already given. Jesus Christ is God’s self-gift to the world. God wants to be united with each of us forever. We were created for union, union with God and our fellow human beings. The Son of God became one of us to make that union possible. Jesus is God’s gift of his heart to the world, the gift of his heart to each and every one of us. And God’s hope is that we will respond to his gift of self with our own gift of self in return.

* This article is an excerpt from Rick’s latest book, The Book of Love: Brief Meditations (https://enroutebooksandmedia.com/thebookoflove/)

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

Copyright 2023 Rick Clements